The Ump


Last night, I was one of the people in charge for a rather big event at our church. Luke refused to leave my side, so I let him be my buddy. “You have to stay in the same room as me the entire time, got it?”

“Yes mom, I understand you! Just please don’t leave me! I will be so good!”

Ten minutes into the evening….

“I don’t feel so good.”

Luke’s eyes locked on mine and I knew what was coming. We ran outside to the bushes. What is the proper etiquette for cleaning up your child’s vomit from the landscape of a private venue? Where do you get that minty powdery stuff school janitors have? Well, anywho, mother nature was gracious enough to make it snow and cover it up. Do I leave it at that? What would Emily Post say?

If this had been my first child, I would have made excuses, left my fellow worker bees in a lurch and drove my little bundle straight home. But he’s not. I put two and two together and decided it was a one timer. (There are two kinds of throw-up: the one timer when your child ate way too much junk and needs to get it out, or it’s the you’re-in-it-for-the-long-haul and your child is truly sick.) Let’s see, we went swimming where he swallowed a bunch of pool water, came home to eat a ton of chicken nuggets, and he washed it all down with a jug of chocolate milk. And let’s not forget the packs of Smarties. No fever. I made the call: he’s fine.

How much sickness must a mother witness in order to become so blase about projectile vomit? Maybe after years of condemning swimming pools (a rite of passage for every young mother. If you haven’t condemned a pool yet, don’t worry, your time will come,) and telling school nurses, “Really? He looked okay to me this morning,” I’ve eventually got my sick-o-meter fine tuned. I’m to the point now, where I can call a sickness like an umpire.

“Slight fever, stuffy nose, barking cough….no school! But no doctor’s office either! We’ll hunker down.”

“Mild cough, you have a test today….off to school with ya! You’re outta here!”

This morning I woke up to Luke jumping up and down on my bed like Tony the Tiger.

“I feel grrrrrrrreat!”



3 responses »

  1. So true. The best is when the doctors you visit give a veteran mother of four the respect she deserves. I called the on call dr. tonight and he called in a perscription for me on the spot. I described the symptoms, how I had been treating the so called diaper rash and told him that we were dealing with a stubborn yeast that would not clear up with triple paste. We are leaving for a flight cross country tomorrow at noon and could he get us what we needed STAT. Mission accomplished. I just hate it when the doctor doesn’t believe that mom does know best, or as you put it, can be the umpire.

  2. I hear you! I was in that same mood getting ready for the previous dinner party. My kids always work against me when I’m cleaning period. It makes me crazy, but the fun that takes place when Rich takes the kids out and the party guests arrive is well worth it. Thanks for the fun evening, great food, and being a wonderful hostess. Now you’re off the hook!

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