Ode to the Minivan


Ode to the Minivan

By Margaret Anderson

Ode to the minivan!

With your shiny, sliding doors.

You always have enough cargo space,

And dirty, filthy floors!

No matter how much I vacuum,

Or rub you with dishtowels,

What I find in the back cup holders

Is from a monster’s bowels!

You drive like a car!

You work like a truck!

Muddy shoes stomp on your seats,

You never mind the muck.

You take us where we need to go.

You’ve never failed us yet!

How much again to detail you?

You’d clean up nice I’d bet.

As you can guess, today I cleaned out the minivan. We are babysitting our nieces for the week and I wanted to get at least the bulk of the debris out so their parents wouldn’t think they were being carted around in a two ton health violation.

Remind me again why we thought it was a good idea to hand a large bucket of movie popcorn to three kids in the far back seat? Only a few kernels made it to their mouths. It looks like a party bus with car seats.

My husband enjoys sunflower seeds on long drives. He says they keep him awake. I’m grateful for that, but it looks like we’ve hired a parakeet chauffeur. Next time I’ll lay down some newspaper.

I think minivan cup holders should be like toilets on a train–bottomless. Whatever gets spilled in there goes directly to the tracks, or streets, as it were. You would think cup holders would be for the exclusive use of holding cups. But, oh no. To young imaginative minds, they are petri dishes and little incubators.

My junior scientists want to know just how long it takes for an apple core to decay. What will happen if pretzels are added to an inch of juice? How many days until used chewing gum petrifies? These questions and more can be answered if Mom doesn’t crawl back here for another seven days!

What I really want is for a car company to design a minivan with its own central vacuum. With the engine running, I want to be able hook up a hose to an outlet in the car and get some powerful, serious suction. Both wet and dry. I want to be able to vacuum out my beloved car in my garage, on the road, even while waiting outside piano lessons.

I think all parents who have had a child throw up during a long road trip would appreciate this. It could all go to some sort of vacuum bag hidden behind the glove compartment.

To make room for the new feature (it would come standard, of course) they could use one of the cup holder’s spots. I think I could manage just fine with nine cup holders instead of ten.


2 responses »

  1. It’s my first visit to your blog and I am enjoying your perspective so much I just can’t stop commenting!

    I have had this brilliant idea as well. My ‘pretend’ central vac is installed under my console. I dream about it. all. the. time. BUT…Until it’s a reality Brett bought me (me, I’ll say it again, ME) a wet/dry vac for the garage. It’s permanently plugged in, with an extension cord, and is easily accessible. I use it ALL THE TIME. I also put a cheep garbage can, with a lid, in the garage right were the van door opens so we can haul out our trash each time we exit the car.. These two things have transformed the quality of our van. I might blog about this as well.

  2. Brilliant post, Margaret. As someone married to a sunflower seed junkie as well, I was HOWLING at, “it looks like we’ve hired a parakeet chauffeur.” Crawling into Dave’s car, you’d swear he’d installed a squirrel feeder from the ceiling. But if a wasteland of sunflower seed shells is what it takes to keep my husband alive behind the wheel, I’ll add another package of bbq Spitz to the grocery list.

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